Seven years ago today I was excitedly preparing for the arrival of my firstborn. For the first time, my son would be coming home. I could never have imagined the depth of my emotions or the love I would feel for this adult son, a genetic stranger, whom I had never met before. It was truly, without a doubt, love at first sight.

The memories of that day will be etched in my heart and mind forever. The most cherished are the look on each of my children’s faces as they met each other for the first time. Their excitement, love, and acceptance of each other was immediately apparent. The conversation and laughter around the table during lunch that day, touched my heart in a way that I can’t even put into words. I felt fully alive.

I am immensely grateful for the familial intimacy we’ve experienced that is far beyond anything I could have imagined or dreamed about. I’m grateful for the new memories that have been made, and in some profound way, it feels like we’ve always been together. Our roots truly remained as one.

Nothing could have prepared me for what it was like to lose my baby boy to adoption, it has marked me forever. Nothing could have prepared me for the emotional experience of his homecoming, it too will mark me forever. The birth of each of my kept children marked me in a way that began healing the broken pieces of my heart. I was worthy of motherhood. The patience, unconditional love, and commitment of my husband has also been instrumental in my healing.

I’ve been plagued with guilt at times, because the decision I made to let my baby go prevented my children from growing up together. I’ve even felt ashamed for experiencing happiness without my firstborn in my life. How could I carry so much pain, hidden deep within me, yet live, and breathe, and still go on to experience love and happiness?

It has been incredibly difficult over the last seven years to accept my reality, and learn how to balance the deep pain with the profound joy. The grief of all that was lost, with the delight of what has been found.  The regrets of the past, with the gratitude for the present. Pain and suffering in life have a way of marking us, of changing us, and hopefully, making us better versions of ourselves.

I am so grateful that God, in His goodness, has restored my family. He brought beauty out of brokenness.

Each year we get together to celebrate this special homecoming anniversary. I am so grateful for what we have now, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.